From Rapture To Raptor: Maitengwe Weekend Trending Stories with Yours Truly

By Yours Truly
Welcome, dear reader, and yes, even you, dear hater to yet another explosive edition of Maitengwe Trending Stories with Yours Truly.
We start not in heaven but on the highway with Rapture… sorry, Raptor! Not the biblical kind where folks vanish into the clouds, no, this is the Ford Raptor kind, the one that makes grown men speak in tongues of horsepower.
Now, Yours Truly knows the story from the start , followed it, lived it, and even prophesied it. Our young man, Comic Elder, pulled off the unthinkable. He did a skit pretending to be “raptured” and boom, his life really ascended! From a humble comedian to the State House, collecting his Ford Raptor from none other than the country’s top civil servant, President ED.
From Rapture to Raptor. Hallelujah somebody!
Let us give Comic Elder his flowers or rather, his keys. The young man’s stock value shot up by more than 10,000% overnight. Moral of the story? When your time is right, even the heavens will make room for your blessings.
Ironically, Comic Elder is a student of Comic Pastor, and now, the student is outshining the master. Yours Truly remembers when Comic Pastor started attacking the powers that be and Yours Truly said, “Aah, no good will come of that.” But look now, the neutral student is cruising down the road in a Raptor with $150K in cash and $10K in fuel money.
Makorokoto, Lee! Well deserved. To your colleagues, please, don’t be jealous. Everyone has their star. Yours might come next… or maybe it never will. Life happens.
To the President Yours Truly has nothing but appreciation Your Excellency Sir!
From blessings, we drive straight into Bulawayo’s own Chitungwiza, also known as Cowdray Park or as Yours Truly calls it, Khadri.
There, four men were fined for beating up their brother-in-law who was taking too long to pay lobola. Yes, they literally turned lobola debt collectors!
Court records read like a family comedy script. Silence Maboda (23), Motion Maboda (20), Gerald Mupatsi (23), and Pardon Manzvidza (20) decided that enough was enough. Their brother-in-law, Cosmas Utete (27), was apparently enjoying marriage credit without clearing the bill.
The in-laws were chilling at the Cowdray Park signpost, playing snooker, minding everyone’s business but their own — until the lobola topic came up. Suddenly, the pool game turned into a full-blown 8-hand brawl.
Well, that’s what happens when there’s no free Wi-Fi. Remember when Professor Mthuli Ncube promised free internet in Cowdray Park? Turns out people got free fights instead.

Ever been blue-ticked in life? I’m not talking about WhatsApp only, I mean real life. Talking to someone who just… doesn’t respond.
Well, there’s a certain football agent from Zimbabwe Saints who knows that feeling too well. He has been shouting into the void, trying to get the Vice Captain’s attention — and getting nothing but blue ticks.
This agent, known more for his love of money than football, has been running marathons of accusations, all air, no substance. Recently, he even took aim at the Vice Captain’s wife… and got the same treatment. Silence.
And let Yours Truly say this: Never underestimate a silent man. A man who doesn’t respond is not weak, he is just planning your surprise.
So to Agent Themba, or is it Themba Miswai or Themba Mliswa, keep talking to yourself, brother. The day of reckoning is coming.
Now, let us take a flight north to Yaoundé, Cameroon, where apparently, an ancestor has just won the elections. Yes, President Paul Biya, the man who was there before Facebook, before fax machines, possibly before fire itself. Word on the street is when he was told he had won, he said, “Won what?”
And the cabinet? My word , a whole museum exhibit. A council of ancestors running a country of youth.
Closer to home, Tanzania just finished their elections too — where Madam Samia Suluhu Hassan won with flying colors. Against whom, you ask? Herself.
But the streets of Tanzania are having none of it, they want real elections, not family reunions.
Before Yours Truly heads down South to check on Usis Dabula of Dudula fame in South Africa (and maybe bump into Floyd Shivambu for a “Mayibuye Africa” chant), allow me to leave you with a little sermonette.
Life, dear reader, comes in four stages:
1. At 60: Your workplace starts eliminating you, no matter how effective you are.
2. At 70: Society starts eliminating you — fewer calls, fewer invitations, fewer likes.
3. At 80: Your family starts eliminating you — with love, of course. “He’s too old,” they whisper, while googling nursing homes.
4. At 90: The Earth itself starts eliminating you. The body can no longer sustain the soil, and the soil can no longer sustain the body.
Yet somewhere in Kuvukiland, we still have team captains and presidents in their 90s insisting on leading nations. Oh cry, my beloved Africa!

“Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind.” Ecc 12 vs 13
Till next week, Yours Truly is out.