Maitengwe Weekend Stories: ‘That’s Not Prophecy, That’s Political Weather Forecast’

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!!
The weekend has landed, and lets dive in straight from the Book of Trending Affairs.


A man of God—ranked General by his followers and Major by those still struggling with military hierarchy—has released a prophecy on Zimbabwe. And as expected, Zimbabweans received it the only way we know how: by choosing the parts that suit our political diet.
Because let’s be honest, we love prophecy the same way we love sadza—as long as it agrees with our stomach.
The prophecy said:
• The corrupt shall be vindicated.
• Respect hierarchy, respect protocol, don’t force power.
• Two powerful figures shall die.
Thus says the Lord. End of prophecy.
Sixty thousand people watched. Sixty thousand interpretations were born.
One camp clapped hands so hard you’d think heaven had confirmed their clearance letter. The other camp danced to respect protocol like it was their wedding song. Nobody, absolutely nobody, claimed the “two powerful figures will die” part. Because death, my friends, is not a prophecy—it’s a subscription we all have but don’t want to renew publicly.
The Elder noticed something interesting: the prophet opened with a disclaimer-—“I am not bought.” Translation: Normally I can be bought, but today I’m on promotion.
Biblically, yes, leaders are chosen by God. But let’s not forget Saul was chosen too—and replaced while still alive. Even football coaches know that. Ask Saul. Ask David. Ask that former team captain who didn’t hand over the armband voluntarily—he was substituted mid match.
So when prophecy has no names, no dates, no direction, and everyone celebrates? That’s not prophecy. That’s political weather forecasting.
Prophecy: ❌
Logic: ✅
Guruve: Now, brethren, let us bow our heads.
Guruve is no longer a district but a crime documentary series with no ad breaks. The revelations surrounding Anymore Zvitsva are beyond disturbing. Murders, rapes, ritual killings, missing body parts, poisoned victims, strangulation, children, women, families: evil on an industrial scale.
The Elder pauses the jokes here. Because this is not content—it is carnage.
This story reminds us that while we argue prophecy online, real demons walk freely among us, and justice must move faster than rumors, likes, and WhatsApp forwards.
May the victims rest. May the law be relentless.
Results Season: Results are out. Timelines are flooded with 56 points at A Level like it’s Black Friday.
Some millennials (Class of ’80s and ’90s) are crying foul:
“Our Cambridge was harder!”
Relax, elders. Even the same students are writing Cambridge today and still passing. Ama 2K are miles ahead in books, miles behind in other things but you cannot beat them in exams. Period.
Congratulations to the Class of 2025. Choose careers wisely. Remember: AI is not here to steal your job, it’s here to expose laziness.
Africa Decides… Again
Uganda held elections. The internet was shut down—for “security reasons.” Museveni is allegedly leading to his seventh term.
Bobi Wine cried foul. Stolen elections. Rigging. Familiar script.
The Elder asks humbly: Does democracy in Africa choose leaders, or does leadership choose democracy? And who selects the candidates we are told to “choose” from anyway?
Asking for a continent.
World Cup: From South Africa, Julius Malema has suggested boycotting the World Cup due to international law abuses by the USA.
Seventy five countries on visa restriction lists and a World Cup is coming.
How do fans cheer from home while FIFA sells dreams of global unity?
Even Trump’s “Christian values” CV is now under review after threats to capture presidents and annex Greenland like it’s a backyard shed.
A boycott? Bold. Necessary? Worth discussing.
Bravo Malema for starting the uncomfortable conversation.
Lesson of the Week
When prophecy comforts everyone, it corrects no one.
Real prophecy challenges power, names issues, and risks rejection. Anything else is opinion dressed in anointing oil.
Also remember:
• Respect authority—but remember how authority was obtained.
• Celebrate success—but don’t belittle the next generation.
• Argue politics—but don’t ignore real suffering.
And finally:
Not every loud sermon is divine. Some are just politics with a microphone.
Until next weekend—The Elder has spoken. ????