Adonijah ‘Mabhurugwa’ wants the throne now: Maitengwe Weekend Trending Stories

By Yours Truly
Hallelujah, Zimbos!
Maitengwe Weekend Trending Stories with Yours Truly is back on the shelves or rather on your phone. ‘Garai matenga data’, in Geza’s voice. Buckle up, because we are taking you from the Bible straight into the streets of Harare, with a few surprises in between.
Adonijah 2.0: Maburugwa Thinks He’s King
Let’s kick off with a classic: 1 Kings 1:5-29. Remember Adonijah? The guy strutted around, prepared his crown, rehearsed his “I am king” speech, and poof, Solomon sneaks in and steals the show. Poor Adonijah… a legend in disappointment.
Fast forward to today’s Zimbabwean football drama, and we have our very own Adonijah-Mabhurugwa of Zimbabwe Saints FC. The Captain of Zimbabwe Saints is retiring, and what does Maburugwa do? He is smuggled in to the team founded in1963 like he owns it, declares himself captain, and leaves fans blinking like, “Wait, what about the Vice Captain?”
Supporters and fans are reminded of the year 2017 when the supposed ‘next-in-line’ Captains Jonathan, not Saul’s son and Saviour) tried the same trick and ended up crying, “Help us, Mama!”.
And this week, Zimbabwe Saints’ ever-energetic media officer finally grabbed Adonijah Mabhurugwa by the collar and told him point-blank that before he opens his mouth, he must first learn ‘gwara remusangano’. Because apparently, Mabhurugwa in one of his public speeches declared that certain business spaces were strictly for Zimbabweans only-foreigners must sit down! A noble idea.
But the real comedy is the one issuing the “warning.” Because this club spokesperson, ladies and gentlemen, has big dreams-HUGE dreams of becoming team captain. The problem is, besides ambitions, all he has are useless big English words and a certificate in exaggeration.
Every week he introduces himself as a “super war veteran of Zimbabwe Saints,” yet no one-absolutely no one remembers his achievements from back in the days when the team was still exiled in Mozambique.
In fact, while others returned from the Mozambican football trenches carrying trophies, scars, medals, and dramatic stories worthy of a Netflix documentary… this man came back with one thing only: a wife named Monica. That’s it. No goals, no assists, no highlights, just Monica.
Yours truly was this week in Bulawayo where he witnessed the nomination court of the Nkulumane Constituency By-elections. This follows the untimely passing of Desire Moyo, whose car allegedly head-butted a whole elephant somewhere between Shangani from Harare in September.
Interestingly, Mothusi Ndlovu commonly known as Skhobobo Madlela is already polishing his shoes to step into Moyo’s political footprints. Elections are set for the 20th of December..
While the Ngamnaka Usamamoe hit maker will be representing the infamous yellow party, Yours Truly will support the person and not the Party. This time kangene Usamamoe.

Lets move to Kwekwe dear reader: Ever heard the phrase, “Run for your life!”? It’s literal if you are dealing with a pangolin in Zimbabwe. Legend says the ZRP has a secret WhatsApp group with these sacred creatures: pick one up, and before you can say “tsk tsk,” five years at Chikurubi await, plus free meals!
Enter John Mapurazi, a brave (or slightly confused) farmer from Kwekwe. He picks up a pangolin, secures it in his car, and drives 256 km, past multiple police checkpoints all the way to State House, just to hand it to the President. The President dutifully passes it to National Parks…
Going to Harare, State house, to hand over a pangolin, when you could have just called national parks which is literally three km away from your farm? Irony!
Madam Colonel Baloyi-Chiwenga: Slaying Globally
Meanwhile, madam Colonel Baloyi-Chiwenga made headlines in Thailand as the first non-model judge at Miss Universe. Remember, she is also the first woman to have commanded a UN platoon back in 1998-talk about a multi-tasking queen!
We bow down, ma’am-you are a national treasure.


Friendship Goals: Raptors and Cars
A little laugh before the heavy stuff: that comic elder guy (yes, the one with a raptor) just gifted his friends cars. Cars! Where I come from, the best friend gets you a beer. But not this guy-he redefines friendship.
Farewell, Bishop Paul Mwazha
On a somber note, Bishop Paul Mwazha passed away this week and has been declared a National Hero. He founded the traditional Zimbabwean style of worship, which is slowly becoming mainstream.
And here’s a twist: the late Bishop’s son is an academic doctor. Yup… a full-on PhD. I will say no more....
Before yours truly goes back to the farm to negotiate land rights with the goats, word reaches me that Falcon Air has officially unveiled its new Harare–Beitbridge–Harare route. A bold step, they say, to boost domestic air connectivity, though from the look of things, even the aircraft itself was not fully convinced.
When yours truly first laid eyes on that plane, I swear it looked like it needed more prayers than passengers. The thing had the aura of a cousin who shows up at a wedding wearing a suit borrowed from three different uncles.
And social media? Ha! They wasted no time. One sharp-tongued commentator said Falcon Air is simply providing fake prophets with fresh material for brand-new “I saw a vision!” prophecies about an impending something-something from the skies.
Disturbing Social Media Alert
Finally, a serious one. A video surfaced showing a woman beating a child whose hands and legs were tied. ZRP is investigating, condemns the act in the strongest terms, and promises justice. Let’s remember: children are sacred, and cruelty has no place.
Lesson of the Week
Avoid being an Adonijah, wait for your time, and don’t let your inner Maburugwa jump the queue. Patience is king, and the word of God-and common sense-remains unchanged forever.

Yours Truly is out.